WHAT GOES UP…
It would be lazy and unoriginal to say that Fulham’s victory over Preston Tuesday guaranteed their relegation from next season’s Premier League, so needless to say, that’s exactly what The Fiver will do. When it comes down to it, if they can’t be bothered to do anything more interesting than drop down from the top flight to the Championship and back up season after season after season after season after season after season, we’re damned if we can be bothered to come up with new jokes. and increasingly condescending about the almost psychotic lengths they and Norwich City will go to in order to avoid having to play each other again.
“WE ARE PREMIER LEAGUE!” chanted by cheering Fulham players and fans at Craven Cottage, a refrain they previously sang in 2018 and 2020, only to sink like Boris Johnson’s approval rating upon reaching the promised land. This time, however, things could be different because, Fiver pulls the sarcasm lever, it’s not like his current generation of players like Tom Cairney, Tim Ream, Aleksandar Mitrovic and Tosin Aderabioyo, not to mention manager Marco Silva, have been contaminated. for relegation from the Premier League.
“It feels fantastic to take this club back to where it belongs,” Silva cheered, presumably referring to that weird Nowheresville Limbo where promotion has been secured but not yet officially. they changed their license in a certain Carrow Road outfit. “It will be a big challenge for us, but we have to do the right thing to prepare. When you achieve something that important early in the season, that gives you time to prepare in the right way and we have to do it.”
In Mitrovic, Fulham have a striker who has scored 40 Championship goals this season, a huge achievement that has led some lounge critics to point to the paltry three the Serbian international scored in the top flight last season and label him as a flat track bully. . While Mitrovic might rightly point out that he was exhausted for long stretches, there are valid concerns that his glacier-like foot spin could be a hindrance again next season. So while recent history suggests Fulham are likely to fall, they can at least take some solace in the fact that there are 20 teams in the top division and they only have to be better than three of them. And if the laughable rabble that represents Manchester United currently sits sixth in the self-proclaimed Best League in the World™, Silva could be forgiven for wondering just how difficult that can be.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“They can’t beat us 4-0. It’s embarrassing, really. It is awful. It’s horrible for the fans. You can feel the pain when we are on the field and you see the scoreboard. It’s really disappointing. We can only say we’re sorry”, perhaps after consulting fan opinion graphs off the scale, Jesse Lingard appears in front of the MUTV cameras to offer another humiliating apology. for his 4-0 shod at Anfield.
A New Formation: How British Black Footballers Shaped the Modern Game. tickets are now available for live eventwith Jonathan Liew, Andrew Cole and Hope Powell.
put your ears around the latest Football Weekly. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the capsule crew are back on tour. Tickets for the June and July live shows are available hereso start shopping.
MOVE THE GOAL POSTS
“At Anfield we were treated with a show of pure professionalism at the highest level. I mean, let’s hear it for that butler. This guy I was focused on work” – Mark McFadden.
Damn Manchester United. You finally did. You finally broke Roy Keane. He’s not even mad anymore, he’s just sad and bewildered” – Noble Francis.
“Now that the SPL is bringing VAR (late) next season to our beloved fitba (Yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs), I was wondering if readers south of the border could give us the benefit of their experiences over the past two seasons and provide us with witty chants that we can now throw in the direction of VAR officials while we await their reviews. – Paul Dixon.
Send your letters to firstname.lastname@example.org. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our no-prize letter of the day is… Mark McFadden.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Iceland’s Sara Björk Gunnarsdóttir is feeling suitably irritated by the prospect of Euro 2022 matches at Manchester City Academy Stadium. “It is shocking,” she sighed. “I don’t know what’s going through their heads or if they follow women’s football.”
Pep Guardiola has revealed that Manchester City could need an army of doctors to keep the Premier League and the Big Cup on track. “Our physios carried out 71 treatments between Atlético de Madrid and the semifinal against Liverpool” he touched. “In Millwall [City’s training base for the Cup semi] we had six massage tables on the side of the field for the players.”
Tommy T reckons Manchester United, Arsenal and Spurs should have done better in the race for Grand Cup qualification given they have all experienced early exits from the cup. “They have been given a huge advantage,” he stammered. “Depends on what you do [of] your situation.”
Burnley’s search for a successor to Sean Dyche is clearly going well, given that Under-23 boss Mike Jackson will take charge of another vital game, this time against Southampton. “I talked to him [chief suit] the other day [and] that’s where we are,” he joked.
And Spanish FA president Luis Rubiales has criticized media allegations of improprieties over his deal to move the Super Cup to Saudi Arabia. “I am outraged by all the falsehoods that have been published and extremely angry that my mobile information was illegally stolen,” he raged. “There are hundreds of business projects with Spanish companies in Saudi Arabia. Why can’t only football?
STILL WANT MORE?
Knowledge of this week Delve into the teams playing every game in every competition, the origins of sh!thousery, and when players use corner flags as weapons.
Andy Hunter on how Thiago caused massive drooling at Anfield with his midfield masterclass.
Sure, Fulham are back in the Premier League, but the battle to stay there starts now. writes ben fisher.
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